Chronicles

September 7, 2004 MY BODY: This morning I woke up with a very sore back. Still "joint" pains/muscle soreness in a lot of areas -- but the back was the most disabling. I have had long sessions with this back pain, even without any other problems. It very tender and very sore when rising to a sitting position. I should think about trying another bed. Mine is pretty firm, which I've heard is not always the best. Now, about four hours later -- it dawns on me that I do not feel particularly tired, and no stomach pains so far today. I've been very careful about what I eat. MY MOOD: I woke up feeling quite depressed -- generally gloomy, but thinking about finances and my ability/inability to help myself. I think this was mostly caused by the depression, because now that I have pulled out of it, I feel very hopeful and determined. Upon arising I felt little motivation or confidence. Was in an "I can't" frame of mine, as in "I can't (or won't?) do this or that. I came back and sat on the bed, and my eye fell on my huge purse sitting on the floor, within reach. I decided to sort it out -- I had put all the papers in there -- including the material you gave me -- into a plastic bag. I started in on that -- and as I put your stuff in another little sorting pile on my bed, I thought to myself, "this is going to be soooo easy to put off," so I decided to do it before anything else. Then I decided, as I was sitting right there, to clear off my nightstand and throw all trash from there and on the floor in a trash bag. I next went to the kitchen, put my coffee in the microwave and a piece of toast in the toaster and decided to pick up all the trash on the floor that had "missed" the wastebasket.

I have chosen to underline "decided" in this diary, especially when it goes against my usual tendencies and represents a change. I think I will keep a "decision" tally -- so I can look back and say "look at all the decisions I have made!" I have just now decided to underline "change", too. (grin) I will finish today's diary tonight. It is now almost 2:00 a.m. and I am too tired to write much. I did very well during most of the day, in spite of the fact that I failed to followup with dancing (see my as yet unwritten comments about 12/06 -- day of my appointment) and forgot to take my Wellbutrin and Provigil. But I had a terrible evening - mostly in terms of very poor production at work -- easily distracted, hard to focus, kept making mistakes. More about that tomorrow morning. So ends 12/07 and the wee small hours of 12/08.