Left:
I was feeling exceptionally "down," and
a friend suggested that I paint a picture
of how I felt. I did it without forethought,
simply plunged in and painted intuitively.
My mood was that I was being pulled
down or sucked into an emotional level
that was a kind of death.
     Interpretation: I stand on the left;
the blue "lights" within me are my spiritual
essence being sucked out of me and into
the pit. The jumble of lines above my head
are my kaleidoscopic unsettled thoughts.

Above:    
The painting above is another
version of the same theme, but
I was in a better mood. Although
still largely intuitive, this was done
in a more consciously artistic mode,
and is less expressive of my earlier
emotions.
    Interpretation: I am the dark amorphous shape already sinking into the depths, barely hanging on with my stretching legs and feet. The blue light represents possibilty of resisting.

December 7, 2004

MY BODY: This morning I woke up with a very sore back. Still having "joint" pains/muscle soreness in a lot of areas -- but the back was the most disabling. I have had long sessions with this back pain, even without any other problems. It feels very tender and sore when rising to a sitting position. I should think about trying another bed. My mattress is quite firm, which, in spite of popular opinion, I've heard is not always the best.

Now, about four hours later -- it dawns on me that I do not feel particularly tired, and no stomach pains so far today. I've been very careful about what I eat.

MY MOOD: I woke up feeling quite depressed -- generally gloomy, and thinking about finances and my ability/inability to help myself. I think this was mostly caused by the depression, because now that I have pulled out of it, I feel very hopeful and determined.

Upon arising I felt little motivation or confidence. Was in an "I can't" frame of mind, as in "I can't (or won't?) do this or that. I came back and plopped down on the bed, feeling aimless. But my eye fell on the huge handbag sitting on the floor within reach. I decided to sort it out -- I had put all the papers in there -- including the material you gave me -- into a plastic bag. I started in on that -- and as I put your stuff in another little sorting pile on my bed, I thought to myself, "this is going to be soooo easy to put off," so I decided to do it before anything else. Then I decided, as I was sitting right there, to clear off my nightstand and throw all trash from there and on the floor in a trash bag. I next went to the kitchen, put my coffee in the microwave and a piece of bread in the toaster and, while waiting for it, decided to pick up all the trash on the kitchen floor that had "missed" the wastebasket (I have the inate ability to ignore such things for days.)

I have chosen to underline "decided" in this diary, especially when it goes against my usual tendencies and represents a change. I think I will keep a "decision" tally -- so I can look back and say "look at all the decisions I have made!" I have just now decided to underline "change", too. (grin)